Will the real ABCD please stand up ?

(Image source : wikipedia )

The only reference I had to ABCD growing up was, while learning the alphabet . It was only after living in the USA for a while did I hear those letters in a different context. To those of you reading this, who may still be unaware of what these letters stand for......ABCD is an acronym for American Born Confused Desi. 
It is a phrase which is meant to describe the unique breed of people who are second generation Indian immigrants to the USA, i.e kids who are born in America to parents who are immigrants from India . It is supposedly used to describe the confused state of mind regarding their cultural identity of these category of people, in other words a confusion between their Indian-ness and their American-ness that exists in their minds .

I have a daughter who was born in the USA, hence, she is an American citizen. USA has the concept of
Jus Soli  which basically means citizenship by birthright. So she is the 'AB' part of the acronym, she's too young to yet develop any issues about the 'CD' part, so time will tell in the matter.

There are two major aspects of why Indian parents worry about their child turning out an ABCD, the first is more of a social concern..i.e the impact of the social norms of the world they live in on their child, and other is cultural, which has more to with the concern of the child not absorbing any Indian cultural values, as they grow up. Several movies have attempted to document this phenomenon, most recent and notable of which is The Namesake (also my personal favorite), which had a very realistic and honest potrayal of the ups and downs an immigrant desi family to the US goes through.

Raising a child in today's world (anywhere in the world), is difficult by itself, to begin with, without adding any extra cross-cultural baggage onto it. I do know some people who choose to return to India, once their kids reach a certain age (usually before the age of 10), because they want their kids to inculcate some Indian values growing up. I can partly understand the apprehension of some in such cases, as many a times the parents themselves find it difficult to assimilate in the general American population, and hence don't want to get alienated from the children as well . There is a case to be made for both raising one's kids in India or abroad (if you even have the option in the first place), each has it's own pro's and cons, what suits one's situation better depends on multiple factors, and the answer may be different for different people. I'll first address the social level concerns of desi parents in the US .


There are many aspects of American society that most Indians find difficult to swallow. Leading the list is the epidemic of teenage pregnancy in America. According to statistics,  a third of american teenagers will get pregnant . That's a lot, a 33 % chance of it happening to your daughter ( or involving your son), and for people from a land where pre-marital sex (even though you may be 40) is still taboo, it is like hearing a death sentence. Even if you ignore the teenage pregnancy rates for a little while, the statistics also state that 7 out of 10 teenagers will indulge in sexual intercourse by the age of 19, now that's a very high number, pregnancy or no pregnancy. There's also a reality show on tv documenting this phenomenon, called Teen Mom, which discusses this issue indepth, and showcases real life cases of teen pregnancy, and life after becoming a teen mother. The show puts light on the fact that most girls end up getting pregnant and then hope their boyfriends will stick around or maybe even marry them and they'll raise the baby, but the reality hits, the boyfriend disappears, and the girl becomes a single mom, a teen one at that, left to fend for herself and her newborn .  Recently this issue came into the limelight yet again, due to a high profile case, of the former governor of Alaska and the vice-presidential candidate of the losing ticket in the 2008 election.....Sarah Palin.
Palin's teen daughter, was pregnant during her run for the election. This inspite of Palin being an advocate for abstinence. So this certainly is a very real problem in American society today.

To me the teen pregnancy problem, seems very complex, first off I can't understand why abortion is such a huge issue in USA, I know the issue is a constant debate in the country, to me it seems like a no-brainer solution in the teen pregnancy situation, but all the religious beliefs of people make it more complex than it needs to be, but that's a separate discussion for another day. American society also definitely needs to take part of the blame, because clearly there's something broken in their culture, that's causing this phenomenon more than any other developed country in the world . There is a kind of sexploitation that's going on with kids, everywhere, but even moreso in the west. Constant bombarding of sexual innuendo, provocative lyrics (in music), corporations marketing skimpier and sluttier clothes for younger and younger aged children, there are even dolls in the market for little girls that go right up to the line of decent and indecent (Bratz dolls anyone ?). What this does in essence is rob children of their innocence earlier and earlier, and this is definitely something that needs to be addressed by american society as a whole.
All said and done, good and bad kids are everywhere, and many a times the so-called 'bad' kids are really victims of bad parents, or parents who've checked out (emotionally or even physically in some cases), and haven't done their job well. I've seen plenty of good kids in good american families, and I know that if one does their job well as parents, they can raise a healthy, happy, vibrant, successful, good child anywhere, the outside world doesn't hold more power than the parents themselves. 

Secondly, there is the problem of drug use and other addictions. Although not as high as the pregnancy issue, drugs do pose a threat in american schools and colleges. Peer pressure is big and going down such a road can potentially ruin a young life. There are some other issues which also create fear in desi parents' minds, like, smoking, drinking, and in recent times several cases of violence in schools (opening gunfire inside the schools), etc but these aren't considered as severe or as difficult to tackle issues, as the main ones. Drugs as a mainstream problem doesn't exist in Indian schools and colleges, even today, maybe a small fringe might indulge in it, but it is still for the large part non-existant.  Drugs aren't as easily available in Indian cities, and most importantly, teens and young adults don't have nearly as much freedom and privacy to engage in such behaviors in an Indian home. In desi homes in the US, even though access to drugs might be easier to those kids, but the environment at home, and parents watching their kids like a hawk, make it very difficult for youngsters to engage in such behaviors. 

Some perspective too is needed on these issues, there are always good and bad influences in every society. India by any means is not a safe haven for young girls, there are multiple problems, like eve teasing, rapes and other sexual assualts on women, young girls being trafficked for prostitution, etc. A big city like Delhi which is also the capital of India is also known as the rape capital of the country, women are unsafe right under the nose of the government, to the point that they find it difficult to even travel alone after a certain point. Mumbai, even though overall a much more safer city for women, has it's share of crimes against women (in the trains, etc) on a fairly regular basis. Crimes happen in US as well, and there's no denying that, but just the everyday life of a woman (or any young child) is much more at risk in India than in the US and this is reality.

Premarital and teenage sex, yes, India does not have an epidemic like US going on, but there are similar cases that go on unnoticed or are kept hush hush in India, for eg:  every year in many places across India in the months following navratri celebrations, the abortion rates go up, quite a bit (which is self-explanatory).
Where India does score better is the overall culture which makes premarital sex and certainly teenage sex a taboo, which makes a teenager atleast think twice before pursuing such an act. There's isn't nearly as much peer pressure on youngsters to have a boyfriend/girlfriend, or getting dates for proms, etc...nor is there a stigma of sorts (among peers) attached to being a virgin ( if anything it's the opposite of the stigma being attached to not being a virgin), and I'm glad it's that way, not because I'm a proponent of abstinence, but I feel that if I'd have to pick one of two as a stigma, better there be a stigma on not being a virgin (atleast till one is an adult) than the other way around, which can possibly have many devastating outcomes. In an ideal world, it'll be good to have no stigmas, but sadly we don't live in an ideal world, there's gonna be peer pressure, pop culture influence, one way or another, and I for one think the Indian way is better when it comes to this atleast.

In a sense I find the USA and India at the opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to the attitude towards human sexuality. Indian culture represses sexuality to the point of almost denying it to the unmarried youth, and as a result there is sort of perversion created in peoples minds, which leads to undesirable side effects like eve teasing and sexual molestation cases across the country. On the other hand USA has a very open culture towards sexuality, which leads to a perversion of it's own kind, resulting in wanting engage in sex earlier and earlier, indulging in debauchery, hedonism, etc. Obviously there are many people in both sides of the aisle who grow up with a completely normal sexual attitudes, but there do remain these extreme cases as well, painting the nations in a certain way. I dunno which is more desirable (actually that's easy, neither, but again not an ideal world), because clearly both have their own set of problems, but overall, in my view the american system is better than the Indian one, mainly because the women are empowered to make their own decisions & choices, whether one agrees with those choices or not is a different issue altogether, whereas, in India except for educated rich or middle class women, no woman really has much choice, much say in her own life or what happens with her life .

Now let's come to the cultural side of things, these are facets of american culture that make desis uncomfortable. While I do see some merit in the social issues being raised by the Indian-American parents, and them wanting to protect their kids from being exposed to such influences. However, on the cultural aspect I don't fully agree, and see it more as an projection of the parents' fears and insecurities, rather than an actual problem.
The most common argument made by Indian-American parents in this aspect is that the kids raised in America don't act like 'Indian' kids, they instead act 'American',  they don't obey their parents or teachers, they wanna date, wanna leave the parents' homes when they turn 18 etc, etc, (which is basically just stereotyping the american kids unfairly)....to which I say duhhh....that's only because they're AMERICAN !!!! I mean to expect kids growing up in an entirely different country to feel the same way about a remote country in another part of the world, they sometimes visit - as their parents do, just because their parents lived there before these kids were even born is really unfair to them. Our surroundings are a big part of who we are, they shape our personality, our thoughts, our opinions, etc to a large extent, so it's only natural for these kids to absorb more of American culture, than Indian.
Yes, they may like baseball or american football more than cricket. They may prefer pizza to panipuri . They may like Hollywood movies better than Bollywood ones ( HUH...Blasphemy ...I know ;-) ) , and parents have to accept that. To think that it would not be the case, because you are taking  precautions to make sure they have enough exposure to Indian food, culture, festivals, movies, tv, sports, etc  is deluding oneself .

What I fail to understand is the argument that kids who were born and raised in America have an identity crisis or even lack an identity. Who's to decide that ? Who's to say that they lack an identity ?? They have an identity, and they're quite happy with it. It's being an American. They are first and foremost American kids, yes there's no denying that, so to hold them to some standard of Indian-ness and say that just don't measure up, is quite unfair.
This does not mean that these kids shouldn't have anything to do with their heritage, and in most cases they do understand their heritage well.
Most Indian kids follow their parents religions, be it Hindu, Muslim, Christian, Jain, Buddhist, Sikh...whichever.....many speak atleast two or more languages, they do speak their native language (hindi, gujrati, bengali, tamil, marathi, telugu...whatever the case) in addition to english . I've met several desi kids, who could recite shloka's like nobody's business, were well-versed with a lot of  bhajans, etc (and here I am born and raised in India, I don't know even half of what these kids know), kids proficient in classical Indian music and/or dance forms, etc so there's certainly kids who do pursue certain Indian activities/interests. Even academically Indian origin kids do seem to perfom exceedingly well,  for eg : in the spelling bee competitions, 9 out of the last 11 years have been won by Indian kids, similar results have been seen in geography bee and math leagues, with Indian origin kids making their presence felt at the top, so the second generation Indian kids seem to be doing rather well for themselves overall.

Another big fear, in the same context is that their good Indian kid might end up marrying an American boy/girl. Now, there are many reasons from which this fear stems, most are just that, fears, they are not reality, they are based on a media projected version of what American kids are like, and not grounded in reality. Baseless fears like, by marrying an American their son/daughter might become christian, or start eating beef, or visit pubs, get divorced, etc . First off the fact is many Indian kids (whether they grew up in India or USA) already do most of those things when they grow up, maybe out of curiosity or whatever, but most will attempt one or more of those things, irrespective of whether they have an american partner, it's just that the parents aren't aware of it, and live in ignorant bliss. There are many americans who don't indulge in any or all of those things, so there are all kinds of people everywhere
Secondly, even many people who move from India to the west as an adult end up marrying a westerner, so it's not just an ABCD special phenomenon. It's something that just happens, most often it's not planned, it's not pre-decided, it's just an outcome of the world mixing up, and becoming a global village.
Another fear is that, the Indian kid will not look after the parents in their old age, if they marry an american. This one does have some merit, only because american culture is definitely opposite to desi culture, where in desi culture children feel indebted to their parents for ever, and in american culture, they don't feel they owe their parents much, the attitude mostly is like "the parents chose to have the kids, so they're obligated to provide for them", nothing there to feel grateful to the parents for . Ofcourse there are all kinds of cases in america as well, where kids take very good care of their parents/in-laws in their later years, but these might not be the norm. Now the fact is that even many Indians (whether they've married a westerner or another Indian) are not caring for their parents in old age these days, and the number is only going up, there may be multiple reasons for it, but the bottomline is it's not just the case in mixed marriages.

Even beyond the old-age care issue, parents fear that they will not be welcome in their own child's home, because their partner has a different mindset, and thinks of the spouse's Indian parents as guests, not family.
I even read somewhere, maybe as a joke, I dunno, but some western women were discussing, how the shelf life of a fresh fish and a house guests is about the same (even if the guest is your in-laws), and anyone who stays beyond that is overstaying their welcome, and I must admit, even I found it a bit jarring. I know many american girls don't think this way, and are actually keen to have cordial relations with their in-laws.
I know of one such case, the son of a family friend of my maternal grandparents, was a pilot, and he married a german lady (back in the 60's), they both lived in Mumbai their whole life, and his wife, lived just like any other Indian woman, so I know some people will go far above and beyond what's required to make such a relationship work, the only concern of Indian parents is, that there's no way to know what kind of girl/guy your child will end up marrying, it could be someone with a completely western outlook, the fresh fish kind, and then the parents will be like strangers essentially in their own child's home, atleast this is how they'll see it.
This one is a complicated issue, that cannot be seen in black and white, there are cases to made for both sides, and issues that both sides will have to face and overcome. Even intra-cultural in-law relationship on both sides can be difficult, one can get difficult parents-in-law/daughter/son-in-law, whether they marry within the culture or outside, so it's just the luck of the draw in most cases.

I've come across some parents who get hung up on the fact that their kids don't enjoy daal rice/sambhar rice/rajma rice as much as them, or don't like eating with their hands, or don't like watching hindi movies with them, etc, but I feel that overall these are very small factors. There might be many Indian kids born and raised in India, who don't like any or all of the activities/ behaviors mentioned above. I'm sure I'm a different Indian than my parents, and my parents differ from theirs, so every generation goes through this adjustment with their children, and every new generation finds it own unique way of expressing themselves, being in a different culture just highlights it more.

As for  the answer to my original question " Will the real ABCD please stand up ?" ...I feel it is the parents who are confused, about their lifestyle choices, about their decision to raise kids in a different culture, in an environment where the parents don't fit in well enough, and project those fears and insecurities onto their kids. I don't think the second generation American born Indian kids are a confused lot, it's the parents who are confused, and hence I suppose the acronym ABCD should really stand for 'American based confused desi' ....ie. those who came from south asian countries, and chose to make america their home, and ended up confused about their cultural identities .